We don't want to appear "defensive" by posting this, because we aren't. We only hope to educate others as we are being educated ourselves...
Top Things to NOT say to an Adoptive Parent
(slightly edited from http://www.michellesmiles.com/?cat=3&paged=2)
We know people mean well but some adoptive parents may not appreciate the following:
10. Oh look, she has your husband’s eyes (or smile or whatever)…
Top Things to NOT say to an Adoptive Parent
(slightly edited from http://www.michellesmiles.com/?cat=3&paged=2)
We know people mean well but some adoptive parents may not appreciate the following:
10. Oh look, she has your husband’s eyes (or smile or whatever)…
No, she really doesn’t. I know that is something you often say when encountering a baby but we are completely aware of the fact that she does not share our DNA. Just tell us she is beautiful - we will happily agree even if we can’t take credit for that.
9. How much did she cost?
9. How much did she cost?
Babies do not cost money. Adoptions cost money. And it is rude to ask what an adoption costs even if you phrase it correctly. If you are truly interested, ask for some websites to do some research on your own.
8. Did you meet her real mother?
8. Did you meet her real mother?
I am her real mother. I am going to raise her, sit with her when she is sick, cry with her over her first heart break, and pay for college. Her birth mother (or first mother, or biological mother - whatever phrase you prefer) is someone we honor and are thankful to every day for the joy she has given us, but we are her real parents once she is home.
7. I just know you’ll love her like your own.
7. I just know you’ll love her like your own.
See above. She is our own daughter and we will love her more than you can know. (Also, our biological children and our adopted daughter are all our REAL children).
6. You know you’ll get pregnant within a year now.
6. You know you’ll get pregnant within a year now.
Yes, we all know our cousin’s secretary’s sister who got pregnant 3 months after adopting. But this doesn’t happen in a statistically significant manner. And you have no idea what kind of fertility struggles someone may have gone through before adopting so it's better not to mention this to couples adopting their first child.
5. Is she yours?
5. Is she yours?
Nope, she’s on loan from the daycare down the street. Just taking her for a test drive to see if we want to keep her.
4. Did you get lots of medical tests done on her? I hear most of those countries only let Americans adopt the really sick babies.
4. Did you get lots of medical tests done on her? I hear most of those countries only let Americans adopt the really sick babies.
Oh no! We forgot to send in the warranty papers for the money back guarantee! She’s our daughter and if any medical issues arise we will deal with them the same as you would your children.
3. I bet she's smart. I hear "they" have a real gift for academics...
3. I bet she's smart. I hear "they" have a real gift for academics...
I think she is, but then I'm her mother. (smile here) I don't think, though, that we can make sweeping assumptions about any group, do you?
2. Are you going to tell her she is adopted?
2. Are you going to tell her she is adopted?
Lady, if she doesn’t figure it out herself at some point, we have bigger problems than her understanding that she is adopted. Adoption is rarely a secret in families in this day and age. It is part of her life story and she will know from day one that she is incredibly loved and came to our family in a special way.
1. Does she speak English? (asked when you're holding a baby)...
1. Does she speak English? (asked when you're holding a baby)...
Only in private. In public, they speak "baby." [smile here]
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Positive Adoption Language:
The words we choose to use say a lot about what we think. When we use positive adoption language, we say that adoption is a way to build a family just as birth is a way to build a family. Both are important, but one is not more important than the other. Try using the positive words when you are talking about adoption...
POSITIVE LANGUAGE
Birth Parent
Biological Parent
Birth Child
My Son/Daughter
Born to Unmarried Parents
Choose Adoption
Make an Adoption Plan
International Adoption
Child with Special Needs
Child from Abroad
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Positive Adoption Language:
The words we choose to use say a lot about what we think. When we use positive adoption language, we say that adoption is a way to build a family just as birth is a way to build a family. Both are important, but one is not more important than the other. Try using the positive words when you are talking about adoption...
POSITIVE LANGUAGE
Birth Parent
Biological Parent
Birth Child
My Son/Daughter
Born to Unmarried Parents
Choose Adoption
Make an Adoption Plan
International Adoption
Child with Special Needs
Child from Abroad
Was Adopted
NEGATIVE LANGUAGE
Real Parents
Real Parents
Natural Parent
Own Child
Adopted Child
Adopted Child
Illegitimate
Give Up
Give Away
Foreign Adoption
Give Away
Foreign Adoption
Handicapped Child
Foreign Child
Is Adopted
Other sites with lists:
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